Blonde Joke

There is a Smart Blonde, a Dumb Blonde, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny sitting at a table with $10,000,000 in the middle, who gets the money ?
The Dumb Blonde because there is no such thing as a Smart Blonde, Santa Clause, or the Easter Bunny.


~Blonde Joke~

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,   you should know something.Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


What do you call a blonde holding a dollar bill above her head?
All you can eat for under a buck.

Blonde House Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the   distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

~~~

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
The brunette jumps and the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
Then, the redhead steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
"Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!"
"No! We've got it covered! We'll catch you!" yell the firemen.
The redhead jumps and, again, the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the redhead also slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
"Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!"
"No! We've got it covered! We'll catch you!" yell the firemen.
"Look," says the blonde, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're gonna catch me with that blanket... so, what I want you to do is put the blanket down and then I'll jump."

~~~

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

~~~

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde flight attendant. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
    The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
  The attendant replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, "Do Not Disturb!"

~~~

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
      The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

~~~

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren a highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    The trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
      "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

~~~

Q.How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Q. Why is it harder to make a blonde snowman, compared to a brunette snowman?
A. You have to hollow out the head!
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q. How do you know that a blonde has sent you a fax?
A. There's a stamp in the corner of the fax!

Blonde in Vegas
One day in Vegas there was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine, and she arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, selected Diet Coke, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and put it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke and out came a Coke and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well duhhh! I'm still winning!"

Unusual Fragrance

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?" "Yeah. What's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

~~~

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first blonde drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other blonde, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," she said. She goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first blonde is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open and out she comes. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the gals are getting away, the first blonde says "You are such a blonde!
I thought you understood the plan!"
The second blonde said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," she replied. "You got it all mixed up.
I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Leaving Work Early

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!
Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

The Mirror

Two blondes, Diana and Patty, were walking down the street. Diana noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Patty said, "Let me look!" Diana handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

Drivers License

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday a cop took away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you!"

The Used Car

A blonde was having a lot of problems selling her old car because the vehicle had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the co worker. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should no longer be a problem to sell your car."
The following day, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a week after that, the friend asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

The Other Side

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side!"

~~~

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks.
One blonde said that they were deer tracks.
The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

Sooo Blonde

She sent a fax with a stamp on it
She thought a quarterback was a refund
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
She said to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Leo"
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
She studied for a blood test
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
She sold the car for gas money
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill

The Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

The Locked Car

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

State Capitals

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Coast Clear

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

You're Next

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

The Break-In

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions   stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

The Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything else she needed was in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The Magic Mirror

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room.
There they found a strange-looking woman sitting at the door's entrance. "Welcome to the ladies room," she said. "Be sure to check out our newest feature - a mirror which will award you one wish if you look into it and make a truthful statement.
But, be warned, if you say something false you'll be sucked into the mirror and you'll live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women were intrigued so they gave it a shot. The brunette looked into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three girls." Instantly, the brunette was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three girls." Suddenly, the red head found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited about the possibility of having her wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

Hurts All Over

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
     The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Blonde In The Appliance Store

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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