Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

1.No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9. School lunches stick to the wall.
10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

~~~

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said,"OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month some one has done this and I'm getting a little sick of granting all these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No, think of another wish.
The man said "OK" and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know what they feel inside and know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


~~~

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

~~~

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives.
The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would be a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me would be a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on, and it's still a problem."
The 90 year old man said, "Heck, every morning at 6:00 a.m. sharp I have a good pee, and at 6:30 a.m. sharp I have a good bowel movement. I suppose the best thing that could happen to me would be waking up before 7:00 a.m."

~~~

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

~~Bud and Jim~~

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings.
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too.
You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
Jim says, "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!

Poor Roy

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries -
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

Eve and Adam

How women were really created.
    How it really happened......
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
  "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
  "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
  "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."   "What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember ... it's our secret...Woman-to-woman!"

Country Preacher

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting.
As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.
Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt.
Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped it paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet:
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

The Gravy Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his female roommate and this only made her more curious.
            Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
          Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
            About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your   mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
            Dear Mother,           I'm not saying you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you "did not" take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
            Love John
            Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
            Dear Son,             I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
            Love, Mom
            Lesson of the day .. Don't Lie To Your Mother.

For Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible?  And you know she can't see very well.
So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Ethal & Mabel

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear. She said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
  "I have? A suppository?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said: "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

The Diver

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

The Sentence

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, "What's wrong with you?" He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes." The husband bawled,"I would have been released from prison today."

~~~~~

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, " You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

The Burglary

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the  act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"  (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"SCRIPTURE?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38's!"

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