Nicknames
These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'. The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
~Daily Doozies~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick."
How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday
Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..
~Wood Peckers~
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.
Then, the Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it.
Sure enough, after flying to Texas, the Alaskan woodpecker successfully pecked the tree in Texas. Neither of the woodpeckers could figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion: "Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home."
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.
2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?
4. A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
7. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
8. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?
9. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
10. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
11. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress."
12. Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
13. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
14. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.
15. And which dwarf are you?
Poor Jake
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil at his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move lightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I...I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.... "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No no, I must die in peace, Becky. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know..." Becky whispered softly, "that's why I poisoned you."
~Little Johnny~
Little Johnny's teacher decided that she would play a game with the class, so she decided to say a letter of the alphabet and have the students make up a word beginning with that letter.
So, the game began and she asked, "What word begins with the letter A?"
Little Suzy raised her hand and replied, "A is for ant."
"And, what word begins with the letter B?" asked the teacher.
Little Billy raised his hand and replied, "B is for bat."
The teacher got all the way to the letter R and the only student left was Little Johnny. "Surely there isn't a curse word beginning the letter R," thought the teacher, so she figured it was safe to ask Little Johnny.
So, the teacher called on Little Johnny, and he stood up, and said "R is for... rats... big mother-fuckers with long dicks!"
~~~
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga, a German woman, hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
~~~
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the
garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband
said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's
as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his
point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just
about he same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the
gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of
the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his
wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The
wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don*t think I am
going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?
~The Seven Dwarfs~
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says,"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pouncing the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting..........."Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
The Rent
A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.
So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."
Every Woman's Fantasy
In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
The Change
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
'This one's kind of strange..."
'Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
'Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
'I see."
'That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
'Uh-huh."
'That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about..."
"You're simply going through the change."
~~~
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Old Men
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch.
When I nibbled on her breast she farted and flew out the window!"
Fork Smelling
A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."
The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, who's the cook. The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork."
He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
The waiter thinks the blind guy is fucking with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your snatch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Mary worked here."
The Classroom
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse.
You can use your other hand to write with."
The Pen
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,
"Well that's just great... some asshole's got my pen.
Horoscopes
Horoscopes by Adam Sandler
Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be Progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23- Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23- May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23- June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23- July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you
will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an diot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances or employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
The Monks
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent over to pick up the bell....and all the other bells went off!
The Dentist
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
Tom Dick Harry
Three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test, we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 of fruit."
So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples.
The Chief explains the trial to him, "You must shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten". The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? you almost got away with it"!
Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."
Poor Little Johnny
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too.
"And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
The Pussy
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is."
Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
The Dildo
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many kinds."
The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"