~Redneck
Jokes~
REDNECK
BIRTH CONTROL
After having their 11th
child, a
Kentucky couple decided that was enough
(they could not afford a larger double
wide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who
also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didn't want to have
any more children. The doctor told him
that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal
in Kentucky), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I
may not be the smartest man, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Ohio to get a
second opinion.
The Ohio physician was just about to
tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were
from Kentucky. This doctor, instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry
bomb, light it, place it in a beer can,
hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians
couldn't be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .
", at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand....
Also works in West
Virginia.
Indications Your Family
May be
Dysfunctional
1 New bill to
ban assault weapons specifically
mentions your family.
2 Your
vacations are planned through AA instead
of AAA.
3 Your mother and your
preteen sister always fighting over the
last beer.
4 In the middle of family reunion, FBI
cuts power to ranch.
5 Bikers next
door always complaining about the
noise.
6 Holidays are usually
celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking
a toaster around the house.
7 Family discussions usually begin with,
"Put the gun down."
8 Instead of
saying grace before dinner, father reads
a passage from Penthouse Forum.
9 Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild
Turkey instead of roast turkey.
~WHAT YOU WON"T
HEAR IN A KENTUCKY
HOME~
We don't keep firearms in this
house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn
trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's
not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits
and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need
watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
=
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than
espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio
salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or
broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at
Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super
Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many
fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that
bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean
sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that
we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college
team.
I believe you cooked those green beans
too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little
longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on
the side.
~WAYS TO KNOW
YOU'RE FROM A SMALL
TOWN~
1.You can name everyone you graduated
with...yeah all 69 of them.
2. You know what 4-H is.
3. You ever went to parties at a
pasture, barn, or in the middle of a
dirt road.
4. You used to drag "main"
5. You schedule parties around the
schedules of different cops, since you
know which ones will bust you and which
ones won't.
6. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe
hunting.
7. School gets cancelled for state
sporting events.... and the fire depts
all meet at the county
line and escort you home.
8. You were ever in the homecoming
parade.
9. You have ever gone home for a
homecoming.
10. It was cool to date someone from the
neighboring town.
11. You have senior skip day.
12. The whole school went to the same
party after graduation.
13. You don't give directions by street
names or house numbers, but by landmarks
(turn right by the tank battery, go 2
miles down the dirt road, and there is
the cattle guard on the right, just
across from the field..turn left at the
salt bin).
14. You were under the impression that
golf courses had only 9 holes.
15. You can't help but date a friends
ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.
16. The town next to you is considered
"trashy" or "snooty" when it is actually
just like yours.
17. Getting paid minimum is considered a
raise.
18. You refer to anyone with a house
newer than 1980
as the "rich people".
19. You bragged to your friends cause
you get pipe on your truck for your
B-day.
20. Anyone you want can be found at
either the town corner, or the feed
store.
21. Your letter jacket was worn after
your 19th Birthday.
22. Weekend excitement involves a trip
to Wal-Mart.
23. Even the Ugly people enter beauty
contests.
24. It was normal to see an old man
riding through town on a riding lawn
mower.
25. Loitering isn't a bad thing, it's
the only thing.
26. It doesn't take much to amuse
you.
27. When someone gets pulled over, the
whole town drives by at least twice.
28. Everyone else hears it on their
scanners.
Martha Stewarts Tips For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
..ON DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
...ON ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
..ON PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
3. Dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger
foods.
...ON DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years
ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
...ON THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
...ON WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund & a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.
...ON DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru [Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money]
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
[For Most Tax Brackets]
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a Damn Motto? I Got Yer Damn Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
~~~
Three third-graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest!
The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Blue Plate
Special
Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we 'otta help? "I reckon," said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no. "Kin yew talk?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'time."
Bubba Died
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Earl and Gomer, were sent for.
Earl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Earl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went anywhere, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
Farm Puter Talk
LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Rubbers
Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date for tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"
To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?!"
The Painting
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a
portrait that has them a little taken
aback.
The picture depicts 3
very black, very naked men sitting on a
park bench; 2 have a black
penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the West Virginia
artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting?
I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why
you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."
The West Virginia artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are West Virginia coal miners and the one
in the middle went home for lunch."
Herd Fan
Two West Virginia boys were playing basketball when one was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Quickly the other boy rips a board off the fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking its neck.
A Huntington Herald Dispatch reporter rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Thundering Herd Basketball Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal" he begins to write.
"But I'm not a Thundering Herd Fan," the little hero says. "Sorry, but since you were playing basketball, I just assumed you were a fan," says the reporter.
So he starts to write again, "Young Thundering Herd Football fan Saves Friend from Horrible Attack, he writes.
"But, I'm not a thundering Herd Football fan either," the boy says. "NOT A THUNDERING HERD FOOTBALL FAN," the reporter cries, falling back in shock.
Are you telling me you live in West Virginia and you don't like basketball or football?"
"Oh, no sir," says the boy. "I love both those sports, but my team is the West Virginia Mountaineers."
The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
More Rope
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
Bridal Suite
A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.
Important Government Study
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US
auto
makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama,
Texas
and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the
final
words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this."
You Know You're From West Virginia If
You've never met any celebrities.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means driving through Wyatt on the way to Morgantown.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
Stores don't have bags; they have pokes. They don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You've seen a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:"Where's my coat at?" or "Where are you going to?"
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.
You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with ice & snow.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You cook green beans for hours.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
You don't ever park your car without setting the emergency brake.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly".
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
You know what a real tomato is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
You know if another Hillbilly is from southern, central, or northern WV as soon as they open their mouth.
Your parents have threatened to have you sent to Pruntytown.
You can watch someone order a hotdog and know in what part of the state they live.- Chili AND slaw, anyone?
You can spell words like Allegheny, Monongalia, Monongahela, Kanawha and Hawks Nest.
You know how to pronounce Canaan.
You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes.
You know at least one couple who went to Virginia or Maryland to get married.
You actually understand these jokes.
Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Used Your Computer
1. The monitor is up on blocks
2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
3. The six front keys have rotted out
4. The RAM slots have Ford truck parts that smell like they were just dipped in gasoline
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six
6. The password is "Bubba"
7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU
8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
9. The keyboard is painted in camouflage
10. The mouse is referred to as the "critter"
What A Southerner Would Never Say
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
11. Wrasslin's fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We're vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
17. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.