Just For Women


A Woman's Prayer

DEAR LORD: SO FAR TODAY, I AM DOING ALL RIGHT. I HAVE NOT GOSSIPED, LOST MY TEMPER, BEEN GREEDY, GRUMPY, NASTY, SELFISH OR SELF INDULGENT.
I HAVE NOT WHINED, CURSED OR EATEN ANY CHOCOLATE.
HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF BED IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WILL NEED A LOT MORE HELP AFTER THAT.

Only Women Understand

1. Cats' facial expressions
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
4. Fat clothes
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
6. The difference between beige, cream, off-white, and eggshell
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
8. Eyelash curlers
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale
10. OTHER WOMEN!

Kitchen Slogans

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.
4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
8. Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out.
9. Housework done properly can kill you.
10. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
11. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

~~~

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Friends

Friends, you and me....
You brought another friend....
And then there were 3....
We started our group....
Our circle of friends....
And like that circle....
There is no beginning or end....

What Men Will Never Say

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
7. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
9. Fuck Monday Night Football. Let's watch Melrose Place.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
11. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.
19. It's ok, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
21. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them anymore.
26. I understand.
27. This movie has too much nudity.
28. Damn, we're late for church.
29. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
31. Oversized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.
32. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

New Tax

NEW TAX EFFECTIVE JAN.1,2000: PENIS TAX
> The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
> This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it's hard up,
> 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole.
> It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
> Effective January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size.
> The brackets are as follows:
> 10"-12"-Luxury Tax
> 8"-10"-Pole Tax
> 5"-8"--- Privilege Tax
> 4"-5"--- Nuisance Tax
> Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
> Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
> > PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
> Issues still under consideration are as follows:
> Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
> Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
> Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Women's Definitions

Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breath...push..."

Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

I'm A Bitch

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch entails raising my children to be strong people who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility, who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in and who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.
Being a bitch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature that I am, with all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
I am proud to be a bitch! It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated, and determined.
By gosh, I want what I want, and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
   B - Babe
   I - In
   T - Total
   C - Control of
   H - Herself

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret

10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1. Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!

Why Do You Cry

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near The Shops and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

Top Ten Ways To Know If You Have Estrogen Issues

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your coffee.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? - call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

God's Children

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was: Don't".
    "Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!" "No way!" "Yes way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
TAKE TWO AND KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!

Tough Words

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

Obsessions

Three women and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The doctor was able to diagnose their complaints after asking the patient a few questions.
The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"
"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right!"
Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"
"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.
The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."

The Vegetable Garden

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
  Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
  And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

For The Ladies

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".

15 Laws For Women To Live By

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Great Bumper Stickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCE, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

God's Creation

In the beginning God created Eve.  And she had three breasts.
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How is everything,  Eve?"  He asked.  "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.  "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful...but I just have this one  problem.
  It's these three breasts you've given me.  The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.
  "That's a fair point," replied God, but it was my first shot at this, you know.  I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right I'll fix that up right away!"  So, God reached down and yanked the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.  "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?"  He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off.  The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me.  I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment.  "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this!  You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
  Now, let's see... where did I leave that useless boob?

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