~The Smarter
Sex~
A woman and a man are involved in a car
accident; it's a bad one. Both of their
cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look
at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we
are unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of
our days. The man replied, "I agree with
you completely. "This must be a sign
from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune." Then she
hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The
woman takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll
just wait for the
police..."
The World's 25
Shortest Books
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS -
by O. J. Simpson
24. THE CATHOLIC GUIDE TO GREAT SEX
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by
Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND
DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by
Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE
PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL
ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD
DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
09. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
08. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
07. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY
NAMES
06. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by
Art Garfunkel
05. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING
ETIQUETTE
04. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
03. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
02. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
(drum roll)
And...
The Number ONE World's Shortest Book
-
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill
Clinton
Computer
Terms
State-of-the-art - Any computer you
can't afford.
Obsolete - Any
computer
you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your
state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
GUI - What your computer becomes after
spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced
"gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate
computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced
input device to make computer errors
easier to generate.
Floppy - The
state of your wallet after purchasing a
computer.
Portable Computer - A
device invented to force businessmen to
work at home, on vacation, and on
business trips.
Disk Crash - A
typical computer response to any
critical deadline.
System Update - A
quick method of trashing ALL of your
software.
Female
Comebacks
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace
before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there
anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you
sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll
go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a
living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the
morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services
today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world
for you.
Woman: But would you stay
there?
~~~~~
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE
FOREST? THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO
PATH.
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A
CONCRETE WALL? DAM!
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE
ICE TOO LONG? POLAROIDS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT
DOESN'T WORK? A STICK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T
YOURS? NACHO CHEESE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN
QUICKSAND? QUATRO SINKO
WHAT DO YOU FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN
WITH A VAMPIRE? FROSTBITE.
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND
TWITCHES? A NERVOUS WRECK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF
AND PEA SOUP? ANYONE CAN ROAST
BEEF.
WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
BECAUSE IT SCARES THE DOG.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE
TITANIC? SANKA
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY
AND A HOOVER? THE LOCATION OF THE
DIRT BAG.
WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL
DOWN? BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT
BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD
GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER? A BAD
GOLFER GOES WHACK, OH, NO! A BAD
SKYDIVER GOES OH, NO,
WHACK.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
SKEET.
WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG,
CLOP CLOP CLOP? AN AMISH DRIVE-BY
SHOOTING
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE
DIVORCE THE SAME? SOMEBODY'S GONNA
LOSE A TRAILER.
~Secrets To A Marriage~
1.Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Fractured Dictionary
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good Job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
~Little Red Riding Hood~
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams. "Will you get lost?! I'm just trying to take a shit!"
~For The Sick~
A little girl went to church with her mother for the first time. Soon, the little girl began feeling ill. "Mom," she whispered, "I think I'm going to throw up."
"Go out the front door, dear, then walk to the back of the church and do it behind the bushes. I'll be out shortly."
A few minutes later, the little girl returned.
"Are you feeling better?" asked the mother.
"Yes, but I didn't have to go to the back of the church like you said. They have a box next to the front door that says FOR THE SICK."
Dead Frog
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
Bad Luck
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
Wrong Email Addy
Typing in the wrong e-mail address could cause some serious harm. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached the hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find a scrap piece of paper on which he written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory... Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen..
Dearest wife,
Just checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
PS Sure is hot down here
Life's Lessons
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
The Baptism
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the ole drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher..I ssssure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo,, I dddid not Reverrrrend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God man, Have you found Jesus yet?"
The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..... "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"
