~~MORE JOKES~~

~Wedding Night~
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note: "WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT THE NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

~Roll Her Own~
This guy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4. The man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some cotton balls.   The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?"   The man responds: "Well, last night I sent the old lady to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, she can roll her own!"

~69~

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69" "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

~CUCKOO CLOCK~

I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

~QUOTES~

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right!! I never would've thought of that." -Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno
We have women in the military but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked. -Jerry Seinfield
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Johnny Carson
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy

~The Wino~
A wino was sitting at a bar, quietly sobbing into his beer. A lawyer came up and asked, "What's the problem, pal?" The wino said, "I just found out that sperm banks pay $20 for a donation."
"So," said the lawyer, "why are you crying?" "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" the wino wailed.

~MIDGET~

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks, they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman obliged, and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had eight orgasms.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait until I get BOTH legs in there!"

~BUS STOP~

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

~TOP 10 REASONS~

Top 10 reasons to go to work naked
1.Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2.Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3.Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4."I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5.To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6 You want to see if it's like the dream.
7.People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8.Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
9.Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10.No one steals your chair.

An American In Paris

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."

Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America
9. Learn to stare with that-I'm undressing you look.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Get a blow job.

Sisters Of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway. On the roadside, he notices a sign from the corner of his eye which reads, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 10 Miles Ahead." Thinking it is just a figment of his imagination, the man drives on without a second thought. A little later, though, the man sees another sign which reads, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution 5 Miles Ahead." When the man drives past a third sign saying, "Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution Next Right," his curiosity gets the best of him. The man pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre, stone building with a small sign next to the door reading, "Welcome To Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution." The man climbs the steps to the building and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit. "What may we do for you, my son?" asks the nun.
The man answers, "I saw your signs along the highway... I was interested in perhaps doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".
The man does as he is told and the door is answered by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
The man gets $50 from his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. Then, he trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door. He hears the sound of the door lock as he closes it behind him. Suddenly, he finds himself back in the parking lot, where he began, facing another small sign:
"Go In Peace, You Have Just Been Fucked By The Sisters Of Mercy."

~Hard Working Roger~

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club [work with me here!]
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you doing tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No," replies Roger, "he's just one of the guys I bowl with."
When Roger and his wife are seated at a table, the waitress approaches and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen, "You must come here a lot!" "No," explains Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then, a stripper walks up to the table and she throws her arms around Roger, "A table dance as usual, Roger?"
His wife, now fuming, storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury, and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
Then, the cabby leans over and says, "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

~~~

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair, all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

~~~

Two 65 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And they did!!
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been gentler with her!"
The woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that he Could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

The Barracks Door

Mr. Larsen got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
  When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
  He decided to have some fun with his secretary, calling her in, he asked,"By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
  The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

The Horse And Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
Suddenly, the horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So the chicken gets into the farmer's Mercedes and drives it as fast as possible back to the mud hole.
Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then tosses the other end of the rope to the horse.
As the horse hangs on for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again.
This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole.
The chicken yells to the horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer's Mercedes.
The horse then says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!"
So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken,"Reach up and grab my "thingy" and pull yourself up!!!"
And the chicken did so, and pulled herself up to safety.
The Moral of the Story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

~~~

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no", the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him", she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender.. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him, she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

First Pitch

The President and Mrs.Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with secret service agents.
One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear. Mr.Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing.
She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities. The President shakes hands of those near him and gets 'high fives'.
The secret service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH.

Thumpin

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time."
The mother says, "Why is that, dear?" The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

Airline Pilot

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.
He says to the co-pilot: "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to have sex with that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears this, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.
A little old lady looks down at her and says: "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

Speeding In The Nursing Home

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

Fire Department

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife; "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.....Bell #1 rings and we all put on our jackets.....Bell #2 rings and we all slidedown the pole.....Bell #3 rings and we're on the truck ready to go.
From now on, we're going to run this house the same way.When I say, "Bell #1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say, "Bell #2," I want you to jump in bed.
When I say,"Bell#3," we're going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled,"Bell #1." The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2" - the wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3" - they began making love.
After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!!"
"What's this "Bell #4?" asked the husband.
"More hose," she replied, you're nowhere near the fire!!"

Nuns Going To Heaven

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun Sister Karen, "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The nun giggles and replies, "Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says. "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass thru the gate."
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth, have you ever had any contact with a penis...?"
The nun is reluctant but replies, "Well I once fondled and stroked one...." St. Peter says. "Okay, dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate..."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. St. Peter says, "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?"
The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

Name Your Penis

A guy walked into a bar. Once inside, he realized it was a gay bar. "What the heck," he thought, "I really want a drink."
So he sat down at the bar, and the bartender said to him, "What's the name of your penis?"
The guy said, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the guy looked at the man sitting to his left who was sipping on a beer and asked, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man smiled and said, "Timex." The guy asked, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replied, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turned to the man on his right, who was sipping a margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turned to him and proudly exclaimed, "Ford, because quality is Job 1." He then added, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy had to think for a moment before he came up with a name for his penis. He turned to the bartender and exclaimed, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."
The bartender began to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The guy said, "Because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

The Nuts

An Olympic wrestler from the United States is about to face the international champion. As the match is about to begin, his coach warns him, "Don't let him get you into the Double Pretzel Bend - no one can get out of that hold!" The wrestler agrees to do his best.
Well, the match starts and as things would go, the American finds himself caught in the double pretzel bend. His shoulder blades are getting pushed closer and closer to the mat - it's almost over. He looks up towards the ceiling and sees this guy's testicles hanging inches from his face. So he thinks, what the hell, I'm about to lose the match - so he chomps down... HARD!
The next thing you know, there's an unnerving scream of pain, the wrestlers seem to explode off the mat, and when the all is said and done, the American ends up on top of the champ and pins him. As he walks off the mat, his coach greets him and says, "That was incredible, I've never seen anyone escape the Double Pretzel Bend. How in the world did you do it?"
The American wrestler replies, "Anything is possible after you bite your own nuts!"

Top